Wednesday 29 December 2010

The Morning After A Goddess Rode

Beside Me I left A Devil In My Wake

It is almost time to celebrate the arrival of another NEW year.

After a year of properly grieving, following half a life without having done so, I have finally learned how to correctly hold on to lost love. This means that for the first time I can stand here atop this precipice of hope without fear, looking across at the reality of my past life.

The reality is a trail of broken hearts, as I managed to extricate myself from the affections of hearts I was incapable of holding, in favour of a lost love whose competition was often too selfish or too self absorbed to be held worthy enough to be told the truth. To others, I should have been braver and stronger and understood the pain of the joy they brought me. In any case, I have slept many times since then because life never stopped to give me a moment of pause. As always my race from grief denied me the opportunity to know why I was running. Instead I was always focused on where I was running to, instead of where I was running from. At some time many sleeps into my grieving life I just became focused on running, where to and where from were just details to justify the fact that my feet were still moving.

But between my hope and reality lies a field of dreams, some fulfilled, and some unfulfilled, but all of which serve to highlight the conflicting highs and lows of experience that existence with an absent heart can bestow upon a person. They lie before me and call with each of the twelve chimes that herald a fresh start with the arrival of each NEW Year.

Despite the extremes of such a tumultuous life, I was awakened today to a tremendous life lesson. That it is possible to let go, without losing touch of the person that gives my life meaning. Also, that life does not go on, it simply continues. Thus, the love that burned so brightly in me and demanded to be shared is not lost, no, on the contrary, it remains. I now no longer have a reason to be resentful of life, even though it never stops or slows.

To love, as I have done with such an all consuming passion is something quintessential to the soul that I am and to not give in to it diminishes me, almost as much as it diminishes the one who showed me the true value of my heart. This was my epiphany this morning.

My epiphany came to me after a late night chat to a goddess. Athena came to me in the night to share in my news of the disappointment of one who would try to trick me out of my heart because I refused to let her have it willingly. After our chat the goddess retired to talk to a passing muse, who was visiting from the world of Erotica, whilst I nodded off to a peaceful slumber.

Then the phone rang and I was awoken by news of a flood. Quite literally a flood was sent to wash away all that was occupying my mind. God does indeed move in mysterious ways, although this time no ark was required. Maybe because it was only one man’s sin being cleansed. In truth I would have expected a much bigger flood, but the almighty is no doubt aware at how harshly I already judge myself.

I presented at my gym to find three inches of water behind the front door. As I waded to the stairs, all thoughts of my time with the goddess were cast aside as I sought to deal with the deluge raining down from the first floor. It transpired a pipe had burst on the first floor as our winter thaw began to get under way.

A temporary fix of the pipe and a lot of mopping took my mind away. However, once the cleanup was complete I chanced a quick look at my facebook pages to find a friend had lost her mother.

Just when you think life is running away with you there is always someone more in need of God’s care than yourself. I rang my friend and we spoke at great length. Privately, I thanked the almighty for cleansing my soul and asked him to let me take over the reins of my life again, because he had more important things to do. For the record the recent burden that had weighed down my soul had indeed been lifted, together with several others, so it was to my comfort that He left to care for others more deserving.

So now I sit and type with my thoughts divided, taking my ease. I have no problems in my life for the moment and a few friends in need. My love goes out to you who are not yet truly aware of how blessed you really are, despite your current tribulations. You are in a good place and maybe even in need of a holiday. You are probably crossing your fingers in private for the future. But let me tell you that you are all in good hands, trust me, God is watching. I tell you that from firsthand experience.

It is never intended in life for it to rain forever. Floods are designed to subside. There might be tears, or there might even be a few more broken pipes as their cause, but I am sure that when you have finished mopping up, that your souls will be lifted too...